An Open Letter to My Mother in Heaven

 

Heavenly Birthday - E. Jean Homestead

Dear Mom,

I never could have imagined what life would be like without you here. Mistakenly, I was under an impression that I would stop missing you so much.  We miss your company, your laugh and even your uniquely distinct sneezes.  Losing you changed us all.

Justin, Carter and I talk about you often. It took Carter months to understand that you were not coming home from the hospital. It was so hard to see our sweet boy run to his room to look for you after daycare or suggest we buy your favorite candy from the store. Now that he is a little older, those occasions have slowed down. He still forgets sometimes and suggests we call you or he will randomly tell me how he misses you. I am thankful that he still has memories of you to hold on to.

The three of us are so grateful that we were able to take care of you for those few months. It was the hardest thing that I have ever done. As a result, I complained and cried. I cried with you. At times, I cried for you. My heart broke watching you cry from the physical pain in your body. What was worse was the pain you felt in your heart, believing that the people you cared about so much did not reciprocate the care, time or generosity you gave them. I am sorry that you ever had to feel that.

There are many people that took you for granted. I realize that I personally took your presence here on Earth for granted. For that, I apologize. You are a part of me that can never be replaced. Your love and support spoke volumes in my life. I could have never guessed that the same love and support would carry over to my husband. I never truly knew how much you meant to him until you were gone. His pain matched mine. Your being here with us solidified a bond between you and him that he will forever cherish.

This is one of the reasons why E. Jean Homestead means so much to us. When we decided that we wanted that name, I was fearful. Fearful that I would fail and not achieve the goals that we set out. I was fearful that my past mistakes would block me from future success. When I get thoughts like this I try to remember all of the conversions you and I had about Justin and I wanting to homestead. I try to remember all of your encouraging words, reminders to pray and demands for perseverance. You have already told me that you are proud of me and that you know we can do it. Consequently, I will never have to wonder.  I will keep fighting because you did.

We miss you more than words can ever describe. We hope you have a wonderful birthday in heaven.

With Love,

Cami

humble home, loss, mom, mother, self care

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